Uncategorized

Addicted

Imperfection reveals itself best in our need to overindulge and fret in and over things that our conscious minds know are unnecessary,illogical,unhealthy,or even irrational. Yet, our human nature,yes our imperfect selves just cant seem to help but fall prey to stupidity in the form of addiction. So whats youre addiction? Is it,money,feeling loved,food,sex,drugs,work,perfection,the need to be right perhaps?? Well whatever yours is,or maybe,most likely you have multiple,know this is what makes us all equal. Think yours are not as bad as the next guys? Welp that self righteous pompous arrogance sadly is keeping you from reality. Now once you are able to take a honest view of yourself and climb down from your high horse ull then see you are just like everyone else and ull feel a weight lifted. No longer do you have to stress over competing and keeping up your facade,now you can start living! Theres much to be gained when one stands under the umbrella of humility. Doing things for the approval of others or to keep up certain appearances….psh throw that shit to the cows. Who gives a flying fuck whos watching or judging or what the fuck theyre thinking….heres my point,theyre just as fucked up as the rest of us! NOW you can jus keep on flyin your flag freely cuz you realize theres no one to impress. Worrying about what the fucked up person over there is thinking about you,you have now turned into looking at it like they need to worry about what YOU think of them!!

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poetry

A Desperate prayer

Whoever said giving up is easy
Never fell hard

For the right person at the wrong time

Knees on the ground,hands clasped together hard

Praying for the strength to let go

Cuz giving up

Brings me down

Always back down this road

No matter which fork i follow

Tmrw

Will repeat

Will repeat

Please excuse the missing beat

These constant circles These tired feet

Got lost in hope

Daydreaming of what cud be

Making giving up not so ez

So i just keep goin thru the motions

Keep swimmin oceans

Hopin ull save me soon

Cuz these mountains ive already moved

My love ive already proved

So you choose

Before u lose all thats left of me.

By the time u realize there will be no resurectin me.

Just a skeleton of what used to be

Preparing for the worst

Even tho ive given you my best

Dont seem quite enough for this beautiful mess

Favored my left even tho you always reminded me how i “just had to be right”

Why did i have to be right?

I knew it,ud do it…one day ud take flight.

Pushed me so far away

We could no longer hear what each other had to say

Just read lips assuming we already knew the words

Attention past due notices piling up on the floor

its no longer being paid,

No less but no more.

Just two people occupying the same space

In two completely different worlds

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Uncategorized

MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS

Moments of happiness…like a shooting star,my life has brief,but beautiful,unscheduled,unexpectedmoments of happiness that replenishes my desperate soul. Dont get me wrong,the moments are still a good feeling wen my spirits are up,and im hopeful. Its like the cherry on top kind of feel…..my veins are thick,they have to be,to be able to keep my demanding heart beating….and my passion runs through my veins surging,hungry,always desperate,each cell,like rioters trying to push theyre way past another,blind with greedy thirst,unremorsefully trampeling the other trying to make its way back through my heart. Addicted and in a continous repetative non stop course,”chasing the dragon”! The upkeep of my emotions is exhausting and draining…im still undecided wether this depth is a blessing or a curse. Im sure that will be one of those things that will come with old age. Most people,even people claim depth end up seeming like a lake. They live midstate and have no grasp or concept of an oceans depth,so to them. Theyre lake is DEEP! I Smile and enjoy the calmness of a lake. The easy stillness. But when i do actually come across another ocean,its like that moment you arrive on the first day of high school and you spot a familiar face from across the hall!!! You wade thru the crowd with head nods and passing “hey” “hellos” but all you care about is slappin palms with your friend! Its THAT feeling! But it rarely happens. I long for it. For that understanding and connection. Theres soooo much that comes with being a what my cousin refers to me as a ” empath”…it can be overwhelming,and having someone that you can connect with on that level,especially if they are more experienced and wise make a world of difference for  maintaining ones sanity. But because of the way i am,i need it all,not just the good and happy…i also need the pain,the fear,hurt. Not because i want to be a martyr. I just need it. To feel it all to the fullest. Its the only way to be whole. The only way to understand things completely with as little bias as possible. Most run from it,sweep it under the rug,deny it,or jus pretend its not or didnt happen. Not me. And it may seem crazy but,letting myself feel the bottom of that deep ocean floor,the darkness is so ez to get lost in,the creatures are more bizzare,and the potential physical danger is enough to scare most away but when i go down there,yes im scared and it hurts and its dangerous,but man,when the moment of happiness comes and im down there deep in all those scary bad feelings,its like a rebirth and worth every drop of blood…and tears…its those MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS…like collecting fireflies in a jar…i collect them and proudfully admire the beauty in these bits of light,not caring that theyre only beautiful and bright in the dark,its enough! 
Moments of happiness

Is what makes these tired legs and bare feet continue to move forward.

The surface i usually find myself on

Is hard,rocky,dry

I stopped today and looked at my soles

I sat on the hard dirt floor

And a part of me felt comfort

As painful and rough as it has been

I cant help but feel a sense of security and honesty in it

Its familiar,and real.

I bend one leg towards me so that my sole is facing up

I lean in as close as i my old round body will allow

And i let out a deep involuntary sigh 

Although i know i shud be grateful for these thick callouses that have formed

For they keep me from having to feel the full sharpness of the rocks and things along the way i walk upon that would bring anyone without this protection to theyre knees

 I sigh

I sigh because its tangible to the reality that i have indeed walked upon more unpleasant surfaces than not

I cant look at these soles and lie to myself that it hasnt been that bad,

That im just feeling sorry for myself.

No,these soles tell the ugly story,

A story u cant change or make up,

These scars and this hardened dried thick permanently dirty fucked up skin wont let me pretend that life has been worth it and good,

Skin this thick CANNOT develop any other way than miles and miles,years and years of shitty

DRY,HARD,ROCKY surfaces.

Im ashamed

I want to fuckin cry

Cuz so many miles of walking that shitty surface….i wud let my mind drift and wander and just let my body go thru the motions mechanically.

So when i look at my aged damaged soles i feel a sort of confusion

And my mind goes at war with my emotions.

So angry for tricking myself

Where did it go?

How did i get here?

When did this happen? 

I feel robbed of time…

Cuz it feel like not so long ago that i had the softest of soles

My skin was delicate and tender,

Sensitive to any hard surface

Nails manicured and kept.

I get up,dont even bother to dust myself off

For what? Im dried up and aged and fuckin dirty anyways.

I continue walking…always mindful to never stop for too long.

As i walk so many angry thoughts go through my head.

Then….

Something changes…

Instantly my whole being feels…..

happiness?!!…

Its crazy because even tho my callouses debilitate me from having to feel the painful rocky dry road,

It does NOT stop me from instantly feeling the cool,damp,softness that is now underneath me. 

And instantly my whole being feels relief,and youthful,and joy.

There is no other feeling greater than this.

I savor it knowing it will only be for a moment…

And …just when i needed it,i am reminded.

This is the reason i keep walking. 

For these moments of pure,honest and simple happiness. 

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Uncategorized

Are we done yet?

There is not too many things about this life and era that make me look forward or want to live as long as i can…been reading alot and….this world sucks. Humans really just fuck everything up…why is it sooo hard to just not try and control everything and everyone? I have to be alive to see the time where a fucking moron like donald trump is a serious presidential candidate??!! Im finding it very difficult to take anything seriously anymore cuz its all one big mind game. If you are gna be honest about it. We are over here w our 800$ car payments,and 2,000 house notes and starbucks and paleos and carbs and proteins and gains,meanwhile other parts of the world people are dying and homeless and royally fucked for no other reason than they were born in the wrong geographical location…so many claims to humanity and love but lets face it no matter how hard we try how far we think or claim to have come its always a trade off for something worse thats just served on a nicer platter with some pink sprinkles. “Ended slavery” for one race and just slowly enslave every race and base it on economic enslavement instead.And tryna make the best out of it just feels so pointless! If theres a god i hope hes ending this shit show real soon. I dnt even care if i go to “a better place” jus put us out of our misery already. We as humans are CLEARLY incapable of getting the world to a place like we were meant to be left to our own devices and selfish,greedy,arrogant ways.That is all! Dont mind me im just a little black rain cloud passing thru! I dnt want to be anything else right now tho! Im not in need of directions to the sun,or looking to be uplifted…everyone always feels obligated to try and “fix” people,things…when really sometimes you jus gta let nature be nature!  

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Rants, Uncategorized

FreeDUMB…self explanitory…

Just finished watching all episodes available for the show “Chelsea Does” on Netflix and gawd i LOVE her…i relate to her so well. We share similar humor…basically pure honesty…which,to many people is controversial. Why? Because we live in a world/society where theres always a battle for control…rules,walls,opinions,and anyone who steps out of those are trouble makers. Ive always been treated and labeled a trouble maker. Oh im sorry i call bullshit and i dont do things just cuz someone says im sposed to unless it makes fucking sense. Im not a follower,but i dont consider myself a leader,guess im a rebel. But so what?!!! Im not tryna lead a rebellion or lead the masses! Im a rebel because i refuse to be a robot and be restricted and brainwashed. I hate comformity,i appreciate unity. I hate complacency and settling for ignorance is bliss…i dont have a rug to sweep things under and i dont have a censor or a filter. I dont know why i do things sometimes,probably cuz i felt like it…i am a kind person,im not a liar,or abusive,or cruel. Im loyal,caring,and extremely sensitive. But i cant be ignorant and ignore it. I dont vote because lets be fucking real,the whole system and government is corrupt as shit so nope i dnt want nothin to do with that…im not picking a greater evil…seriously im supposed to be ok with my choices? What choices!! If i had a choice OPRAH would be fucking president!!! If i had a choice there wud be no government!! Why do i want someone all in my business telling me how free i am then taking half my paycheck my whole life then to tell me that oh wen im old i wont gt any of it back so im screwed cuz they spent all my money on wars I DID NOT APPROVE!! I HAVE NO CHOICES and to believe we do,to think you make a difference is just absurd and beyond moronic to me….some people NEED to believe they made a difference and thats fine! I dont go protesting voters or try to tell people to be like me or think like me! Thats the exact thing i hate! I think everyone shud be able to have theyre own views and beliefs as long as your not hurting me or forcing anything on anyone then wtf do i care! I know plenty of people that do not agree with my thinking and will call me the idiot and you know what ill smile and laugh and say ok! We can think each other are idiots! So what! Im not living my life for votes,or “likes” or retweets,hell i dont even gv a shit if this blog gets read! I do me! I want no part of this corrupt ass system and world we live in. Im just here,trying to survive and enjoy what little precious moments that warm my heart as i can till its time to go! Then i want to cremated and put in a bio urn and become a tree! But thats another blog! To be continued!!

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